I think I’m drowning and I honestly can’t find which way is up.
There isn’t a single aspect of my life that is going right at the moment, nor has it been going right for a really long time.
I am so alone. I want to feel loved. I want to love. I want to fall in love. I want romance and to be swept off my feet. I want to be afraid of being too happy. And I don’t have any of that.
I don’t feel like I have best friends any more. Distance has separated us and there is nothing I can do to change that. It is completely because I moved away.
I don’t know how to motivate uni when everything else has gone to shit. It’s getting left behind and I’m scared it’s going to be over too soon to do anything about it.
My family’s falling apart. There is nothing else to say about it. It is what it is.
I wish I could fix things, or could see a way out but I just can’t and it’s killing my soul.
God I missed cuddles.
I had such a good night last night.
The power went out at 5pm so we ordered take away and played card games with the family with blankets by candle light.
Then the lights came back on at 10 so we cuddled on the couch watching olympics until we fell asleep.
I think the worst part was thinking that I had a way out. And now that isn’t the reality everything is that much worse.
No one knows just how much I don’t want to do this.
Danica at least has a way out. She can stay with Hamish. But I will just be trapped there.
And it’s not just the fact that we have to go. It’s the circumstances surrounding it. I hate change and even more I hate not having control. I hate that my whole life is determined by this and I can’t do a fucking thing about it.
I’m scared that I will lose the happiness that I found here. And I’m scared of what I will become there. I’m so alone as it is and I don’t want that to become worse.
there has not been one thing
that I have wanted to do less than I want to do this.
I hate being alone.
Because it means I can think.
And I’m so over thinking.
I think i figured out why this hurts so much.
I think its because after moving away from collaroy, I’m finally happy in this house.
I think thats why it makes going to canoelands so much harder….
A lot of it has to do with the distance and the isolation but i just realised that one reason is that i just love it here and I’m finally happy.
I’m really scared that moving there will ruin this happiness.
I know that I have to go to keep the family together.
And I hate that all that pressure is on me.
I’m trying to be open minded.
But I don’t want to sink in this new place.
Just when I’m finally starting to swim again.
I’m really fucking over crying almost daily.
So much shit in my life.
Probably because nothing is in my control. I HATE not being in control of little things let alone these gigantic things.
And the worst part is I can’t change any of it. I just have to accept it.
And uni work is getting completely left behind and forgotten.
I think I’m going to fail something this semester for the first time.
And I’m so stressed ALL the time all I want to do is stay in bed all day and cry.
I don’t know what to do.
Well that just completely ruined my day.
And just when I was finally getting somewhere with my uni work.
Dani said that she and Hamish aren’t going to move out with me which means that my only choice is to move with parents out to the middle of nowhere.
I’m strongly considering dropping out of uni to work to rent my own place.. or at least dropping half my subjects.
And thank god work is moving right next to uni. That means that I don’t have to waste half an hour getting there. It would be like a 5 min walk from uni so I can easily work half days.
But ugh this whole situation is shit. Why is this happening to me.
I’m not okay.
So many things are shit.
I don’t even know where I’m going to be living in a month and a half.
I love it here and I really don’t want to move. But I know I have no choice.
I don’t have any motivation.
I like going to uni, but I don’t like uni work. I don’t know where I want it to take me or what I want to do with my life.
Someone said the other day that they have no dream. And it hit me. That’s my problem. I don’t have a dream. There is nothing that I’m aiming for. I don’t know what I want so I’m not pushing to get there. Im going round in circles and not getting anywhere.
I miss my friends. I haven’t seen any of them in a long time. It feels like no one is there for me.
I feel really alone and there is nothing that I’m certain on.
I know that people are starving and dying all over the world, but does that make my problems any less important?
I’m finding it hard to find the motivation to get out of bed let alone put in for uni work that has to be done.
I don’t know how to get out of this rut. There isn’t anything that I enjoy in life at the moment.
Everything is turning to shit.
I don’t know whether to defer uni and try and figure out things or to keep pushing on not trying as much as I can.
I don’t want to get behind everyone but is it worth it continuing if its not what I want?